Dear One-Time-Only Dinner Guest,


I want to thank you for arriving so very early for the dinner party we recently threw. As you saw, we had our hands quite full during the time leading up to when you were expected. It was so good of you to distract us from all that we needed to do before the other guests arrived. Promptly. On time. Without you there, we might have been ready at the appointed hour! What a laugh, huh?


And thank you again for bringing your third cousin’s step-sister’s hairdresser’s Frito Pie Casserole to the dinner party. I know you were less than thrilled when I didn’t move the table settings around to make room for your dish. What with all the china and various wine glasses for the multiple courses we’d prepared, I simply failed to figure out how to fit your dish in with our menu. I thank you for understanding when I placed your casserole in the refrigerator. As I told you that night, having your third cousin’s step-sister’s hairdresser’s Frito Pie Casserole the day after the party would be a god-send for us. Especially since there were no leftovers. But I don’t have to tell you about that, as I recall you enjoying seconds of most every dish – wink, wink!


Thank you also for the large flower arrangement you brought. Again, I’m so sorry it didn’t fit on the dinner table. Honestly, it’s the grandest flowers we’ve ever received! It must surely be two feet wide and three feet high! Really – you shouldn’t have. And for the life of me, I don’t know how you managed to transport such an enormous arrangement. You get a gold star just for that. Oh! And per your request, the empty, clean vase will be on the front steps Saturday morning, for you to pick up and re-use.


I’d like to apologize for not having any of “your brand” of canned beer on hand. When we set the menu with wine pairings, I guess we just weren’t thinking clearly. I now know you don’t drink wine, as you mentioned it several times over the course of the evening. I hope you weren’t too put out, what with having to drink water all night, as we didn’t have anything else suitable.


By the time the dinner party was over, and you said you wanted to take your third cousin’s step-sister’s hairdresser’s Frito Pie Casserole home with you – as we hadn’t bothered to put it out – well, I was disappointed. I had hoped to try it the next day. But I understand. I do. I mean, bringing a hostess gift to someone who doesn’t move hell and high water to display / serve / wear / hang it is downright rude on the part of the recipient, right? Right? It was truly our failure – not accommodating you in planning our dinner party for 12 people. For that, I apologize.


Yes – I am terribly sorry you had a less-than-stellar evening the one time you were invited into our home. We have heard from all the other guests present that night and they seemed to have had a wonderful time. Unlike you, perhaps they simply aren’t remembering clearly.


Until our paths cross again, we send our warmest regards. And if I die having never tasted your third cousin’s step-sister’s hairdresser’s Frito Pie Casserole, well, it will surely be my loss.



Mikki & Mister


Note: This is a work of fiction, and not about You. Unless of course it is.

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