This month’s free single from Love & Honesty is “My Heart is Breaking.”
I recently watched “We Need to Talk About Kevin,” a film starring Tilda Swinton. I love Tilda. She’s the reason I wanted to see this movie. I figured it would be worth it, just for her acting.
I was so unprepared. The movie deals with a kid who commits heinous violence and the resulting repercussions. (It’s bigger than that sentence, actually.) It sat right on my shoulder for a few days after I watched it. And I desperately wanted it to go away. Without meaning to, it reminded me of my song, “My Heart is Breaking.”
On April 20, 1999, my morning was spent at an automotive repair shop’s waiting area. I knew I would be there a while, so I had come prepared: I had a book, a magazine and a notebook with me. If the book wasn’t doing it, I could switch to the mag. If the magazine bored me, I could write. I figured I’d be able to ride out the service appointment, no matter how long it took.
At some point, I looked up at the muted television screen in the waiting area. Something terrible was going on. I read the transcript of what was being said and realized a school massacre was taking place – live – in Columbine, Colorado.
My heart sank. I didn’t notice my quiet tears. I didn’t notice if anyone else was aware of the news story, or if they were affected. I only knew how I felt. Unable to watch any more of the devastation, I grabbed my notebook and started writing, “It’s too familiar, this rocky terrain…” I wrote every word of “My Heart Is Breaking” while sitting at that auto repair shop. And to this day, I can still see that room and recall the heaviness of that morning.
When it came time to produce the song, I knew I wanted the music to oppose the lyrics’ pain. That’s where the vibe came from, and that’s why this song, according to some, lacks musical prosody.
I’m okay with that. Because no matter how upbeat the song may sound, I know from whence it came. Those words were borne from true heartbreak. And no matter how long I walk this earth, I will never understand why a human soul chooses to harm another. My heart is breaking now, just thinking of it.