Has this ever happened to you?
You’re gathered at a girls’ lunch, and most of the chicks there are parents. Inevitably, the conversation turns to their kids. And though you’re child-free and loving it (and therefore cannot contribute to this conversation), you listen anyway, with respect. Your friends are being fairly honest about their children’s behavior, saying how they’re mostly good kids, though they do get on said friends’ last nerves from time-to-time. Then a different friend… No, wait. She’s more of an acquaintance, really. You know – somebody you see once in a while, not an actual friend, mind you. But I digress.
So this acquaintance starts talking about her own children and is saying how great they are, and all the while she’s smiling a big old toothy grin, just as proud as proud can be. And before you can stop yourself, you blurt out, “Your kids? They’re the worst!” And – Lord help – you don’t stop there.
“Your children are the reason I’ve declared my home to be a no-kid zone! Your kids had set about destroying my house within 15 seconds of arriving! Seriously! If they weren’t trying to win an Oscar while whining their little asses off, they were working up a sweat while trying to manipulate your husband into letting them do whatever it was they wanted! Including wrecking everything within arm’s reach! After your kids finally got the hell out of my house, I had to scrape food off every conceivable surface! I had to straighten art! I had to detox my entire structure! Your kids are the spawn of Satan!”
And then, just as you’re taking a gi-normous inhalation because, come on, you’re just getting rolling, you realize you’ve not only silenced that acquaintance, you’ve also left every other person in the group with absolutely no recourse except to stare, agape. In short, you have stunned and frightened everyone within earshot.
So you do the only thing you can: you slowly stand, thank the hostess for a lovely lunch, then grab your purse from the counter and take your leave – as quickly as possible, knowing you will never ever again hear from that acquaintance or her husband.
Has that ever happened to you? No? Oh.
Then… Me, neither.
Happy Mother’s Day.