Mikki Brisk

“A long December

and there’s reason to believe

Maybe this year will be better than the last.”

Counting Crows

“A Long December”

 

This song has been in my head all month. I want to believe it. I really do. But I can’t always pull it off.

 

I’m not Manic Depressive. At times I may seem to be, but I’m not. Truth is, my natural state tends toward joy. Toward happiness. My very cells – left to their own devices – would beam with enthusiasm for life! And I love that about myself. When I am swimming in my very best Mikki-ness, I love me.

 

This has been a tough year. I’ve painted a smile on it, but it’s been rough. Mister’s job continues to demand more time and energy than one human can muster, so I rarely see him. We were forced to move, unexpectedly, and while that was hard enough, the situation was made even more heartbreaking when we learned our one-time best friend could have given us a head-up, but chose not to. So not only did we lose our little rental home, we also lost a friend. I had some health issues pop up, and until everything was handled, I was freaking out. (Thankfully, everything was handled and I’m in tip-top shape.) And now, as we approach the end of this challenging year, we’ve learned we must move yet again. This one might break us, folks.

 

I know the world is full of beautiful souls, souls who are suffering and in need. I know there are those who’ve experienced unspeakable loss, and devastating atrocities. I know there are human beings who manage merely to survive, and little more. I am not so deluded as to compare myself to even one of these souls, so please don’t assume otherwise.

 

But though we are – each and every one of us – a part of the greater world, we are also – each and every one of us – the centers of our own small worlds. And as much as we strive for awareness of the greater world, we are often overwhelmed by the weight of our small worlds. Well, I certainly am overwhelmed.

 

And that’s where I find myself now, as a New Year approaches. To use Stevie Smith’s words: “I was much further out than you thought And not waving but drowning.”

 

This is when those tend-to-joy cells are a gift from God. No, I’m not as smiley as I’d like to be. Yes, I’m trying to deal. And maybe that’s why the Counting Crows song has lodged itself in my brain. Maybe there really is reason to believe this coming year will be better than the last. Maybe.

 

In the meantime, going through the motions will have to do. And perhaps I should allow that song to fully play in my mind, for I seem to always cut it short, well before the end…

 

“And it’s one more day up in the canyon.

And it’s one more night in Hollywood.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean.

I guess I should…”